I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
