Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
