Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We don't watch enough power rangers
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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