I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
