It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
