You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
