i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
