Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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