I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
