3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
