I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
