he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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