I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
