Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
