You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
