I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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