Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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