Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
