why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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