chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
