she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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