We're facebook friends in real life
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
