she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
