Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
