i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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