the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
