I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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