at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
