Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
