I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
