when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
