R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
