Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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