I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
