I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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