ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
