my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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