Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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