I showed him my bush... on skype.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
All I want is dick and wine.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
