I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
