Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
