Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
