i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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