Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
