if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
