There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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