tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize