Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm passing your future prison.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
