found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just pee around me
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize