ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
