And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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