omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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