just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
