Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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