Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
being pregnant is like rehab
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
