I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
