he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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