Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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