Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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