i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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