No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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