I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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