I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
