shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
